INTRO

If you want to heal, you have to look at the moments when you made excuses for their behavior even when your gut was screaming that something was wrong. For a long time, I carried a quiet sense of shame about how I handled the toxicity in my life. I knew deep down that the way I was being treated was not right, yet I was the first person to step up and offer a reason for it.

I made excuses for their behavior to my friends, to my family, and most devastatingly, to myself. I told myself they were just stressed, or they had a hard childhood, or they did not mean it the way it sounded. I was essentially experiencing how I became who they needed and forgot who I was just to keep the peace.

I used to think that the reason I made excuses for their behavior was a sign of my massive heart and my infinite patience. I thought my generosity was a virtue. In reality, it was a high-functioning survival strategy. When you are in a relationship with a narcissistic personality, your brain learns that if you can explain away the bad behavior, you can lower the tension in the house.

To find my way back to holistic healing and recovery, I had to stop asking why they were doing it and start asking why I made excuses for their behavior as if I were their defense attorney.

The High Cost of Emotional Generosity

In the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, many of us struggle with the fact that we were too generous with our understanding. I remember times when I was being treated with absolute contempt, yet I would spend my evening trying to find a psychological reason for their outburst.

I believed that self-abandonment was love because it was the only way I knew how to stay connected, which is why I constantly made excuses for their behavior.

This generosity is actually a form of self-betrayal. Every time I made excuses for their behavior, I was effectively telling my own nervous system that my pain did not matter as much as their comfort. I was acting as an emotional shock absorber, taking the impact of their toxicity so that the relationship would not shatter.

I had to learn that true kindness requires boundaries. If your generosity requires you to make excuses for their behavior by lying to yourself about reality, it is no longer a gift—it is a cage.

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The Biology of the Cover Up: Why We Protect the Abuser

The biological reason you made excuses for their behavior even when you knew it was wrong is rooted in your neurobiology. When we are in an unpredictable environment, our brain prioritizes attachment over authenticity. This means that your biological drive to stay connected—even to a toxic partner—outweighs your need to acknowledge the truth.

According to research on the freeze-fawn response and rejection trauma, the tendency to made excuses for their behavior is a way to maintain the illusion of safety.

If I could convince myself that they were just tired, my brain did not have to process the terrifying reality that I was being mistreated. My body stayed in a state of hyper-vigilance, constantly scanning for ways to fix the mood so that I would not have to face the fallout of their anger.

This is why you feel so mentally exhausted; you have been running a full-time PR firm where you constantly made excuses for their behavior for someone who was actively working against you.

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Breaking the Utility Trap: Stop Being the Fixer

I spent years acting as an emotional caretaker, a role I call the Utility Trap. I believed that my value in the relationship was my usefulness—my ability to fix, soothe, or solve.

I had to investigate how fixing everyone became my secret survival trap before I could truly stop the cycle. If I stopped how I made excuses for their behavior, I feared I would become useless to them, and therefore, I would be discarded.

The moment you stop how you made excuses for their behavior is the moment the relationship often falls apart. This is a painful truth to face. I had to realize that I was holding the entire weight of the dynamic on my shoulders.

By refusing to make excuses for their behavior, you let them feel the natural consequences of their actions. I was previously preventing any chance of real change—and more importantly, I was preventing my own escape.

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Reclaiming Your Reality: Somatic Tools to Stop the Fawn

To stop the cycle of over-explaining, you have to move out of your head and back into your body. When I feel the urge to start how I made excuses for their behavior, I use my 10-minute morning routine for anxiety to anchor myself, but I also use specific somatic tools in the moment.

One technique from Somatic Experiencing is the Truth Anchor. When I hear myself starting to make excuses for their behavior by saying, “They didn’t mean it,” I stop and place my hand on my throat. I feel the vibration of my own voice.

I then state one objective fact about what just happened: “They yelled at me.” I do not add an “and” or a “because.” I just let the fact sit in the room. By staying in my own skin, I can finally stop being the container for their chaos.

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CONCLUSION

You did not make excuses for their behavior because you were weak; you did it because you were a survivor. Your generosity was a tool you used to navigate an impossible situation. But now that you are in a place of recovery, you are allowed to put that tool down. You do not have to be the defense attorney for someone who is committed to hurting you.

By bringing your attention back to your own physical sensations, you can start to trust your own reality again. If you find yourself slipping back into the role where you made excuses for their behavior, I invite you to explore the Mental Chaos Assessment to see how your specific emotional type handles these high-pressure dynamics. You are allowed to let the truth be enough.

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FAQ

Q1: Why did I keep making excuses even when my friends told me the truth? Answer: Because your brain was prioritizing your survival within the relationship. Your friends were safe, but your partner was not. Your brain prioritized the excuses as a way to lower the threat level in your immediate environment, even if it meant ignoring the outside truth.

Q2: How can I stop making excuses for their behavior now that it is over? Answer: This is often called internalized fawning. When a memory of their bad behavior surfaces, you might still feel the urge to explain it away to avoid the pain of the truth. Use the Truth Anchor technique: state exactly what happened without adding any because statements.

Q3: Is being understanding always a bad thing? Answer: Understanding is a virtue when it is mutual. In a toxic dynamic, understanding becomes a one-way street where your empathy is used to bypass their accountability. If your understanding requires you to ignore your own pain, it is no longer healthy—it is self-betrayal.